Horrorscopes: First Installment

horror themed horoscopes

Hey there gang! None of us at ‘Post Mortem Horror Bootique’ had initially intended on doing a monthly horoscope page, but after an anonymous contributor contacted us claiming to be a professional astrologer, we couldn’t say no!

We literally could not say no.
They were contacting us daily, by email, postcards, cryptic phone calls, and a handful of particularly large and ill-tempered ravens. We know it wasn’t just a single raven continuously returning, due to the fact that they refuse to leave. We have like 8 ravens in the warehouse now.

Of course there is no obligation to read the horoscopes below.
Legally we are going to go ahead and state for the record that we neither endorse nor recommend reading the horoscopes below.



Your Monthly Horoscopes: March

(March 21 – April 19)
Revenge is a dish best served. Temperature is irrelevant.


(April 20 – May 20)
Locate the child in purple; the one who knows your name without asking for it. They are an ally. Everybody else is human, and humans are not to be trusted under any circumstances.

(May 21 – June 20)
It would be best to memorize these answers. They will not appear to correlate to the questions being asked, but it is vital that you get them correct on the first try.
Yes, no, no, Samuel, yes, no.

(June 21 – July 22)
It is not time yet. Sleep. They will send a sign when you are ready.



(July 23 – August 22)
Hydration is important. This is not a health tip. Surround yourself with as much water as possible. We don't know for sure what is after you, only that it doesn't like water.


(August 23 – September 22)


( – )
There are no Libras. If you believe that you are a Libra, somebody is lying to you.


(October 23 – November 21)
The stars disappear each time we try to gather a reading for your upcoming month. This is only happening with Scorpios. What have you done to anger the stars?


(November 22 – December 21)
That phone call was not from who you thought it was. The person on the other end was from an adjacent reality. The individual who intended on calling you was speaking to a parallel binary instance of yourself as well.
Thankfully the conversation ended up being roughly the same in both versions of reality, so this affects nothing. 


(December 22 – January 19)
[This is placeholder text. If you are reading this you have not been deemed worthy of learning the truth, yet]

(January 20 – February 18)
Wouldn't it be weird if you were attacked by a bear in a supermarket?


(February 19 – March 20)
It's advisable that you stop referring to your pets as "fur babies".

Fur Babies are already a thing. They exist outside of any wavelength that you can comprehend, but they can hear you. They think you are talking to them. They believe they are welcome in your home. You do not want them in your home.



With Aries' wrath contained at one
Traverse the path a hand would run
Twelve dozen eyes, awake or dead
The bits of lives, no longer led

144, 18, 8

This is the first installment of an ongoing monthly horror narrative.

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